someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
