I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
you didnt know i had herpes?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
So here I am, sexting at work.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
