I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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