He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
