Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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