my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
