my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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