last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
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