he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I will pee on everything he values.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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