I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
