dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
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