I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
