The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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