Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
