You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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