FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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