If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
The uberlube is also flammable
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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