proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
