I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
