You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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