Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
