apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
