she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
