I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
