i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
