i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
