so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
