i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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