How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Randomize
