Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Randomize
