She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
