Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
