Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
