Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
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