i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
