i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
