Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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