I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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