His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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