Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
The air was thick with penises
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
you made out with another girl for some wings
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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