Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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