At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
