I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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