I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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