there's paper in my vomit.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
