You're my little dorito
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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