he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
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