Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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