My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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