A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
