i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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