she was so not down for the gang bang
I met the friendliest cop last night
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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