Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
