I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
